I spent yesterday and today with L. which was good. She has felt so impenetrable to me the last two months. She was going through a weird break-up...still, on and off. Just wasn't letting me in. We had a good, long talk last night, just sat in the car until like six in the morning like old times. I didn't realize how scared i was of losing her until i felt her drifting.

Bitter-sweet...needing people, satisfying, but the fragility and vulnerability is a scary thing to deal with.

I know she will always be in my life...for a long time, but i hate feeling so disconnected. I cherish the connections i have with certain people so much, there are so few of them, and when i feel them breaking, weakening right before me, it weighs my heart.

The winners of my trust are capable of the most amount of damage with the least amount of action...ripples in the water from the toss of a pebble --tsunami's enveloping and destroying entire lifetimes... A banana can be thrown about, neglected and abused, the exterior will scar, skin remains tough with minimal interior damage -- still salvagable. But once the skin has been shed, one careless swipe of the hand...that banana is ruined forever.

L. has been my pillar since my step-dad died, i really don't know what i would have done without her during that time especially...I shed and survived with minimal damage.

L. -- Accepting and nonjudmental. Always made things seem as if they were not nearly as bad as they were, hope and solution provider, stability, escape...made me feel as if i was a person worth caring about and that tolerance and selflessness would not be in vain. The silver-lining in my cloud

Thoughtful and generous (more than anyone most will ever meet in their lifetime) Always brought me dinner to work and candy for my crew, money whenever i need it, rides wherever i need to go, breakfast, lunch, dinner and balloons when i'm sick... and when i'm not, random acts of kindness and caring spontaneously...all the time. Never had to feel alone or hopeless despite the degree of fuckery going on at the time. Incidence recalled: The month after my step-dad died (xmas) her and B. walked for an hour in a blizzard to get pizza for xmas dinner. Her, B, D and R spent xmas with me so i wouldn't have to spend it alone. My my mom lie passed out on the couch the whole time from alcohol and sleeping pills. We played board games...and even though my entire family was gone, step-dad dead and my mom may as well have been, i was okay because my friends, especially L., never left my side.

Month after that xmas: L. got a message on icq saying my bday was that day...Jan 2nd. Worried that she forgot, she called my house and my brother as a joke said it was my bday. Needless to say it wasn't. I was out at the time, my brother called telling me to get home. Come home to L, B, D, R, T and others with ice cream cake and balloons and everything singing happy birthday to me. Within an 45 mins of "verifying" my bday with my brother L. had managed to get a cake, balloons and a bunch of my friends to my house all because it may have been my bday. If that were anybody else finding out on such short notice they would probably called or send an email or something. But L. went above and beyond for me all the time, never wanted to let me down and made it so i never had to feel helpless, alone or worthless during that especially hard time. For this i am forever indebted to her and also abstractly dependent on her. It is hard for me to adapt to not requiring the kind support she has given me so much in the past. Even though those times of strangeness have become nothing more than scattered memories i feel a strange affinity towards them and her. I fear i've latched onto it and left bewildred and indifferent by the changing times.

Once was: One of my backdrops to the impermanacy of life. However, her status is questionable presentlty. The funny thing is i don't think she even knows how i feel. I have such trouble telling people how i feel sometimes even though it is all i really want to do...i'm so accustomed to fronting this 'i'm a rock' exterior -- it takes a long time before i can make myself completely vulnerable to someone, i don't think i ever completely have. I guess it is my way of coping, i probably would never recover if i was let down or betrayed...a way to hide how sensitive i actually am, kinda like the chihuahua with whose bark is worse than his bite...compensating for inadequacies. People mustn't know this though, so i act as if i can take on the world, and don't need anybody's help to do it, actually believing it most of the time. Been pulling it off my whole life, even fool myself. Only those who encompass my trust will see any glimpse of weakness within me.

Hell, with all the things i have seen and lived through in my life thus far, i think i would have been a basket-case by now if i didn't build some sort of shield to distance myself from it all, but sometimes i think it blocks me from things that i want and probably need. I am conscious of it and am getting better. Sometimes i don't want to though, stakes are too high...I don't want people to know that i need them. I don't want to need people. At the same time i love needing people, it's when i feel i am losing them that i regret allowing myself to depend. I want to be strong enough to handle my own. It is okay for people to need me. I am use to being the 'strong' one, dependable. It is easier to be strong for others than it is for yourself. I give myself completely and selflessly to those who need me. I know how it feels to not have anyone. Also, gives me the illusion of strength and distracts me from my insecurities.

Afterall, if you're strong enough to support the weight of others, you certainly shouldn't need help carrying your own...right? I suppose the question to be asked is: Does the one who carries the world on their shoulders in the day not also need a wall for support when they're tired in the night?

I'd like to think not...

I have learned not to depend on anyone...only leads to pain and disappointment eventually. However, not doing so may lead to worse damage.

It is a wonderful feeling knowing that there are some people in your life that you can depend on for certain things no matter what.

L. is one...but even she has left me on this Valentines Day. To spend time with her ex and her rebound...not at the same time. She cannot function without a man at her side even though she does way more for them than they could ever do for her. I wish she wasn't so insecure. But whatever.

I am dedicating my Valentines Day to the remaining special people in my life who have affected me mostly positively but sometimes negatively. For the latter i am appreciative because one does not appreciate heaven more than when they have experienced hell. An ode to friendships...

In this world today, true friendships do not come easy. Strong and everlasting friendships take time to develop, but time is of the essence; it can be one of our greatest enemies. Time doesn’t stop and wait for you if you’re trailing behind. tick tock. tick tock. We need to learn how to love and cherish those who have earned a place in our hearts before our time runs out and never forget them. Those special people in our lives have walked a long journey to earn that place. You never know what the future has in store for you, so don’t take friendships for granted. Discovering a true friend is a true miracle. Don’t wait until tomorrow to let them know how special they are to you, or how much you love them; let them know now instead.

True friendship is not judged by the quantity, but the quality of the friends you are lucky enough to possess. A person with many acquaintances is poorer than one with just one close friend. Friendship is where you can tell somebody anything, whether it sounds weird or crazy or just plain stupid. It`s where you can trust somebody to the fullest extent, and not worry whether your confidence will be betrayed and all your secrets used against you. True friendship has no jealousy, because real friends would be happy for you if something good happened which made you happier. A good friend is there for you, no matter what hour or place, as you are for that friend and a good friend never judges, but instead is there to listen and to give advice. True friendship includes honesty and blunt truth where it is needed, not fake compliments. True friendship isn`t all about being nice and pleasant to one another all the time - there will be bad times and good times, but through it all, your friendship stays constant. If you are lucky enough to possess such a friend, hold onto that special person, and worry not about having too few friends - for you are already the richest person in the world.

To all who read this, you know where you stand. Hopefully also know how i feel...even if i don't say it.

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY