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| Sitting here at home alone, listening to old-school slow jams, trying to figure out whether i feel lonely or not. I am rarely completely alone and when i am i feel non-existent. Like i could just disappear without having to ever worry. I'm in one of my indifferent moods. Have been all week...on and off. I feel as if i'm living in the Now, but not in a cliche sort of way. But like i am void of past or future. Just here. Living. Now. However, i need to be thinking of the future a little bit...at least as far as monday, which is the date of yet another exam that i'm destined to fuck up if i don't get my academically unmotivated ass in shape right Now, which just so happens to be where i am living. Yes, school sucks. But it is the only tangible attachment i have on this symbolic order we call reality. Without it i may just float into an unknowing abyss. Oh indifferent plagued one. Where are you going? I just finished looking at some pics T. posted on his page of what i'm guessing is a recent trip to niagra falls with A. and H. Why do i torture myself. When i think back to our friendship it seems very surreal, like i just dreamt the whole thing. Then again, i feel as if i have dreamt my entire life, even this very moment. I think that's how i deal with things. I worry that if i were to actually sit down and tell myself that all the shitty things that have happened in my life were more than just dreams, that they actually happened, i might actually deteriorate. I really do miss him. How could i not? I don't actually know life without him. But i just try not to think about it. Just pretend it's all a dream...just another dream that's all too surreal for me. I don't think i'll ever actually believe it. Okay, well i must make another lame attempt to study. This is a philosophy exam so it shoudn't be as bad a my geology one. Here's hoping. | ||
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