I'm really just dealing with it all now. Earlier on my mind had been perpetually numbed by other things. I cannot deny the bitter-sweet longing for that numbness now.

Trying to think back to what exactly it is that i miss, nothing in particular comes to mind. Just a feeling. Being able to just look at someone and have them know exactly what you're thinking and vice versa. Being able to act completely ridiculous without fear of judgement. Having the confidence of unconditional permanancy. Always having someone there. Something i thought i hated, but it turns out it is something i have taken immensely for granted. For someone who has always prided herself on being stubbornly independent i am experiencing quite a revelation.

Yes, he was insanely manipulative, but i didn't exactly treat him like a prince. Towards the end i resented him so much for the control he had over me. Sometimes i thought i hated him...because i knew my existence depended so much on him. I knew i had to end it, i just didn't realize it would be so hard. Afterall, he was only a friend, right?Unfortunately i had to give up a lot of other things with it. Maybe this is what i miss.

His number -- branded in my mind's eye, seen only in darkness. One call will fix it all. No, it isn't a miracle drug. Just a band-aid. It will conceal my wounds, keep them fresh until another day...won't make them go away.

There is no such thing as a miracle drug...just wishful thinking.