Although the summer was rough in an academic/working my ass off sort of way, i think it was good for me. I've had quite a few revelations and shifting of perspectives over the past couple of months.

I didn't think it was possible to make such a 380 (360?). Just as late as June i didn't even see the point of living. I wanted to so badly, but i couldn't and then out of the blue everything changed...and i'm so thankful. I never ever want to go back to that place again. *shudders* knock on wood

AND i quit smoking, which is still unfathomable to me, even to this day. yay! However, I'm not gonna lie. I have 'fallen off the wagon'a little more than a few times over the last four months, but if i were to put too much pressure on my self i've would have given up quite sometime ago. And now that i'm at the point where i don't even think about wanting a cigarette 95% of the time and have completely eliminated all of the habitual routines (which is by far the hardest part) there's no way i'm going back...You can bet your bottom dollar on that one! haha. I know what some people are saying...you're one cigarette away from failure, one cigarette when you're out with your friends, turns into buying packs 'just in case' and then you're back to square one...blah, blah, blah. But that's ridiculous. To set those kinds of standards, you're destined for failure. Do they tell you when you diet you're one grain of sugar away from socially unacceptable obesity...no, because everyone would give up hope before they even started, thinking they wouldn't stand a chance in hell. You have to strike a balance and be smart about it. Anyways, i'm starting to sound like some sort of 'Be cool, stay in school' after school special so onto other things.

It feels weird to have changed so much over this past year. I think i have. I'm trying so very hard to be the absolute best person i can be...to have no regrets and to essentially defy the predictions my upbringing has set out for me. For the most part i think i'm doing well. I've changed my lifestyle, the people i choose to surround myself with (for the most part), my perspective of myself and life path, so to speak, on many levels.

However, i am still conflicted over many things.

It makes me sad to get older and accumulate more memories to reminisce about...and think what if?

Ever since my step-dad died i constantly feel as if i am living in hindsight and convince myself to do everything for everyone that i wished i had of done for him when he was still alive, that way i will never have any regrets and everyone will die happy, appreciated and fulfilled.

I'm not exactly sure why i feel so personally responsible for so many. It's very invigorating, i suppose, to think that you and you alone have the ability to make someone else' life worth living...for them to feel appreciated and fulfilled. And all you have to do is be there, to care and do the small things which take the least effort and seem to count the most. It's the subtleties, I think, that make life the most worth living. If everybody took a little more personal responsibility for everybody else, the world would have a lot less sadness in it...and no one would ever have to think 'what if?' But that may be a little too much wishful thinking on my part...as i'm unfortunately starting to realize.

In a perfect world...

On a lighter note my semi-vacation is almost at a close...too bad, so sad. It's weird how much you can appreciate two weeks, when you are so bombarded the rest of the time. I've gotten a glimpse of what it would be like if i wasn't in school a.k.a 'Hi my name is Jenn and i'm a full-time employee' and i gotta tell you, i don't like it...not even a little. Hence, i will forever be 'Hi my name is Jenn and i'm a career student.'

That'l l'ern ya! Try and make me become a productive member of society...ha.

Okay, well this is far longer that i ever anticpated so i must stop.

Bye