When i first got the message i had several consecutive anxiety attacks, followed by a near heat-attack. I tried to call her and the landlord back for an hour straight and left messages on both machines. I've yet to hear back from them. Then i practically called everyone else in my phonebook, i don't even know why. Then i just cried on the phone to my mom for half and hour and punched several walls. I was literally heartbroken but now i'm just motherfucking pissed. I know this all seems very dramatic but i rarely let myself get excited for many things, at least until i'm sure they are really happening, sort of a defense mechanism i guess. But this was gonna happen. I deserved this...at least that's what i told myself when i gave her the fucking cheque. I haven't been that excited over something in as long as i can remember. I guess that's what i get for allowing myself to feel worthy of getting something that i actully wanted for once. Won't make that mistake again.

I am 80% upset about not getting that particular apartment but am 20% upset about the fact that they literally screwed me out of anything else descent. I had some good appointments lined up and i cancelled them all when i thought i had that aparment and when i called them back the apartments were all gone. Everything sucks and i am back to square one the only difference this time is i'm even more screwed than i thought i was last week.

To try and be proactive about the whole situation instead dwelling in self pity i set up a couple of appointments. The first one i already went to and the apartment was garbage. But of course it was, this is Jenn after all and that's what she deserves apparently. The second one is for tomorrow and it sounds okay but there are no pets allowed. I know it seems trivial, but having a cat was the biggest factor in my descision to move and i feel like it would all be in vain if i were to scrap that now. Not to mention the idea of having a cat excited more than the prospect of winning the lottery as pathetic as that sounds. But time is no longer in my vocabulary so if the apartment is descent i won't be able to waste any time deciding whether or not i want it. I'm just going to have to take it and prolong my feline dreams, which saddens me greatly.

To top everything off, my period came today and the cramps (if you can call such torture that)combined with my less than 2 hours sleep (which is a whole other story)made me almost passout today at work. My whole face and hands went numb and everything started to go black and as i sat down the tylenol i had taken 20 minutes earlier started to kick in just in time. Thank gawd. I'm thinking another cyst must have broke or something. Fucking excrutiating.

Anyways, it was nice to be happy and have something to look forward to for once. Why has the last week and August in general been so cruel to me? Money, friends, dreams...all gone to shit. What did i do? Why the bad karma???

I am hurt and angry and probably the biggest baby in the world.

It just brings me right back to promises of Disneyland and a better life. I believed it then and look what happened. Ooops, i did it again. Stupid me.